there are days when i feel very small.
days when i feel like none of what i've done really matters.


today is one of those days.

i'm tired of feeling small.
God, i'm just very tired.


i need sun & warmth & rest.
please let it be warm tomorrow.

please.

life is still fucked-up & i'm still not sure what i need to do....




... but a few small steps toward making peace this week.
at this point i am grateful for any forward movement.



i'm hoping that it continues.

God, i need a life-change.

getting tired of being tired.

people don't talk anymore.
they move their lips & make noise, but they don't talk.

i want people to talk.


tell me what you are really thinking, not what you think i want to hear.
tell me your fears & dreams & hopes & passions & sadness & joy.
tell me what you love, what you hate & what you would die for.
tell me who you really are when the lights go out & you are lying in bed trying to sleep.
tell me what makes you you.


& i will listen.
i will really listen.



i promise.

babbling way too late at night

two more days & then i can disconnect my brain & perhaps even relax a bit.

now, if i could just get people to stop creating drama where none needs to exist i would be a happy man. somehow i don't see that happening, so i'll spend some of my time avoiding some people & hope for the best. i would rather just relax & be friends, but i'm powerless to make that happen. i still don't understand why i'm in this position, but here i am & i do what it takes to keep it from becoming an "issue".

really, all i want is good friends, good coffee, no drama & to get laid every now & then.
i don't think that is too much to ask.

sometimes i feel like everyone just puts up with me.

i wish i had people i could call friends.
i wish i had people i could call.



i think it is time for a change.

there are some days when i wonder why i even bother.

all i want right now is a good coffee, a good nights sleep,
a good drive & a good fuck... in any order.

actually, all i want is a day when i don't feel like all i do
is screw up or fall short of everyones expectations.




*hrumph*

i can't believe that anyone even knows that this blog is here.
if you have stumbled across this please leave a note & say hi.

anyway, so i'm making this my personal bitch place.
hope that is ok with whomever is reading this (if anyone)

& now, i babble...

i'm very restless & wondering what he hell is going on.
there has been this nagging feeling since just before i moved that shit is about to fall apart. i don't know what or how, just an impending feeling of doom combined with a growing disinterest in just about everything in my life. something tells me that i need a change, but i don't know what to change. i think a big chunk of this is just me having a midlife crisis & wondering how i ended up where i am, but i also think that asking myself how i ended up here is a legitimate question... if not a pandora's box. every time i start thinking about it i get the overwhelming urge to just ditch it all & start my life over somewhere else. since this is not really a viable option i need to figure out what is viable. to do that i need to see where i'm at & that leads back to the whole pandora's box thing & i don't know if i really want to look at my life that closely. perhaps i should. perhaps not looking at my life is the thing i need to change.

perhaps i say perhaps too much.

the long & short of it is that i feel very alone right now & i don't know how to change it.
a good chunk of me thinks that it won't change & i'll be stuck like this & that scares the shit out of me. i don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering.

ok, enough navel-gazing & pointless whining for one night.
time for bed.

be well.

if you are looking for me i'm at...
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be well.